Goal setting

I find that when we have significant goals we want to accomplish, these can often times feel daunting. We have these major dreams and wants but have no idea how to get there. This deludes us into thinking we can't achieve them and we talk ourselves out of the project altogether.We don’t even start which means we never achieve what we really want. My goal today is to help you start and achieve your goals by breaking them down into bite size pieces and ensuring your success.

Firstly, we need to know what motivates us. Having both intrinsic and extrinsic motivation is crucial for a well-rounded and sustainable approach to pursuing our goals. Intrinsic motivation, driven by personal enjoyment and passion, ensures long-term commitment and adaptability. Extrinsic motivation, involving external rewards or consequences, provides direction and can boost performance, particularly in goal-oriented situations. The combination of both intrinsic and extrinsic motivation enhances overall well-being, creativity, and success, offering a balanced and comprehensive approach to achieving objectives. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. How do I enjoy spending my time?

2. Does this activity set my soul on fire? Ie. Is it your passion?

3. What specifically about that activity brings joy?

4. Do I want to better myself in this activity? This can be in any form imaginable.

5. Is this activity funded by intrinsicn or extrinsic motivation? Both?

For example, you may find that spending time with family is important, it’s a passion and this brings significant joy. You want to spend more time with family and its both intrinsically and extriniscally motivated as it benefits all involved. If you have an activity that you love to do, you want to improve yourself in and it’s both intrinsically and extrinsically motivated, then half the battle is won.

I listened to a really brilliant podcast by Davidn Roberts called Purpose with people. He has an episode called “Supercharge SMART goals to make them Exciting, Scary and Transformational”. It’s a really informative listen and will absolutely help you focus and narrate your goals for the year. Its great that he released it at the start of 2024 as it will help us all pursue our 2024 goals with purpose and passion. Once you’ve had a listen, follow the below steps to really solidify your goal pursuit this year:

1. Define Clear Objectives:

   • Clearly articulate what you want to achieve. Specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals provide a structured framework.

2. Understand Your "Why":

   • Identify the underlying motivations and reasons for pursuing a particular goal. Understanding the significance of a goal enhances commitment and resilience.

3. Break Down Large Goals:

   • If a goal is substantial, break it down into smaller, manageable tasks. This makes the goal more achievable and allows for incremental progress.

4. Prioritize Goals:

   • If you have multiple goals, prioritize them based on importance, urgency, or their alignment with your broader objectives.

5. Set Realistic and Challenging Targets:

   • Goals should be realistic and achievable, but they should also challenge you to grow. Striking a balance between realism and ambition is crucial for sustained motivation.

6. Create a Timeline:

   • Establish a timeline for achieving your goals. This adds a sense of urgency and helps you track progress. Regularly review and adjust timelines if necessary.

7. Identify Potential Obstacles:

   • Anticipate challenges and obstacles that might arise. Develop strategies to overcome them, fostering resilience and adaptability.

8. Seek Support:

   • Share your goals with supportive friends, family, or mentors. Their encouragement and feedback can be valuable, and they may provide assistance when needed.

9. Monitor Progress:

   • Regularly assess your progress toward your goals. Celebrate small victories and adjust your approach if needed. Keep track of what is working and what needs modification.

10. Stay Flexible:

    • Be open to adjusting your goals as circumstances change. Life is dynamic, and flexibility is essential for adapting to new opportunities or challenges.

11. Visualize Success:

    • Create a mental image of yourself achieving your goals. Visualization can enhance motivation and focus, helping you stay committed to your objectives.

12. Celebrate Achievements:

    • Acknowledge and celebrate milestones along the way. Recognizing your accomplishments reinforces a positive mindset and encourages continued effort.

13. Learn from Setbacks:

    • If setbacks occur, view them as learning opportunities. Assess what went wrong, adjust your strategy, and use the experience to grow stronger.

Goal setting is a dynamic and ongoing process. Regularly revisit your goals, refine them based on changing circumstances, and set new objectives as you achieve previous ones. The process of goal setting is not only about reaching specific destinations but also about personal growth and development along the journey.

Motivation

Firstly, I want to wish you all a warm and Happy New Year. I hope the festive season was kind to all of you and that you had a much needed rest over the period. I understand that the this time can be quite provoking for some and thus I hope you can look back on it with joy and laughter. I also want to wish you all a happy and energy filled year ahead. I hope the year brings you everything you need it to.

On that note, I've decided to write today’s blog around motivation. You see, this is something that I have been struggling with starting this new year. I’m usually quite focused and energised to pursue my goals, but for some reason, getting myself started this year has been incredibly challenging. Even writing this blog has been troublesome as I wanted to post at least twice a month going forward, but as you can see, I'm quite late to the punch this January. This did pose the questions - Is something wrong? Why am I not more motivated? How do I push myself to start again? How do I get my focus back.

As with all my blogs, I turned to TED talks. I watched a few hours of how motivation works, how we can build motivation in others, how to motivate staff etc. What I didn’t find was how to help myelf in this slump unfortunately. So I turned to my supervisor. He, too, is an immigrant living far from home and family, just like me. I explained my feelings and where my mind has been for the last few weeks and he posed a very important question which I have been perseverating on for some time now. He asked “Have you given yourself time, Michelle?”

I went home for Christmas for the first time in 4 years. It was special. I saw everyone I wanted to and realised just how special this time is for me and my family. So you can imagine, when I had to leave them after having such a great time being home, it was hard to say goodbye. I think the goodbye hit me harder than I may have let on initially. Which leads me to my first point when trying to manage poor motivation:

1. Awareness and acknowledgement

   Is there something underlying that you perhaps have not acknowledged or dealt with? In my case, leaving my family, yet again, hit me harder than it has in the past. Maybe because it was such a happy time, more happy than most, that when I left, the low was lower than most. Ask yourself if something is bothering you, if there is an underlying emotion you have not given thought to. This ties in with my supervisors question: no, I had not given myself the time to think about how the change and separation had affected me. I had not acknowledged that I was lower in mood than usual. Instead, I was hard on myself questioning why I was not returning to my routine and focus as normal. It seems almost silly now, expecting myself to continue on my path as normal, when I had not acknowledged that I had been knocked down onto the floor. We need time to acknowledge our feelings. Which brings me to my next point:

2. It’s okay to seek help

   Having spoken to my supervisor, he was able to make me take a step back and question myself. However, now having acknowledged what has affected me, I think I need further time and professional help to process these emotions. I realised that I do need to talk to someone which I have now reached out to. I think I can acknowledge that speaking to someone doesn’t necessarily have to only be when we have these completely life altering moments, but can also be used to process an emotion in the short term. There are plenty of people out there to support you, all you have to do is look for it. Funnily enough, just by doing these two steps, I've already felt a change and have felt in a better space to refocus and start achieving my goals for the year.

3. I think it's important to also touch on some key concepts regarding motivation:

Intrinsic vs Extrinisic Motivation

1. Intrinsic motivation

   • Intrinsic motivation occurs when individuals are motivated by internal factors, such as personal enjoyment, curiosity, a sense of challenge, or the inherent satisfaction derived from the activity itself. For example, someone who loves painting because they find it personally fulfilling and enjoyable is intrinsically motivated.

2. Extrinsic motivation

   • On the other hand, is driven by external factors, such as rewards, punishments, recognition, or the desire to avoid negative outcomes. For example, a student who studies hard to earn good grades (external reward) or avoids procrastination to prevent a low score (external punishment) is extrinsically motivated.

3. Comparison

   • Source of Motivation: Intrinsic motivation arises from within the individual, driven by personal interests and the inherent satisfaction of the activity. Extrinsic motivation, in contrast, is influenced by external factors or consequences.

   • Sustainability: Intrinsic motivation tends to be more sustainable over the long term because it is tied to personal satisfaction and enjoyment. Extrinsic motivation, while effective in the short term, may lead to a decrease in motivation once the external reward or punishment is removed.

   • Autonomy: Intrinsic motivation often aligns with a sense of autonomy and choice, as individuals engage in activities because they want to. Extrinsic motivation may involve external control, as individuals may feel compelled to behave in a certain way due to external pressures.

4. Coexistence

   • In real-life scenarios, individuals often experience a combination of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. For example, a person may enjoy playing a sport for the sheer pleasure of it (intrinsic), but also participate in organized competitions to win a trophy or recognition (extrinsic).Understanding the interplay between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation is crucial in real life contexts including work, school and higher education. Effective motivation strategies often involve recognizing and nurturing both intrinsic and extrinsic factors to promote sustained engagement and satisfaction.

In summation, give yourself the time - the time to question your feelings and emotions, the time to seek help if you need this and speak through or process what you are feeling, give yourself the time to heal and the time to stand up when you're thrown down. Give yourself permission to slow down if you need to, in the know that you will continue on your path when you're ready. Lastly, find what motivated you both intrinsically and extrinsically. If you find both, you’ll set yourself on the right path at a running pace, ready to take on the year ahead!

Gratitude

When thinking of a topic to discuss for todays blog (as the final read to close off 2023) the idea of gratitude seemed to pop into my head on a few different occasions. Coupled with the festive season, holidays and family, I could not think of a more appropriate topic to help me reflect on the year gone by - and I hope it will enable you to do the same.

We oftentimes hear about gratitude or being gracious (in fact it may actually be an overdone topic for some readers) but it’s importance, benefits and impact remain steadfast and achievable. Gratitude refers to the quality of being thankful, appreciative, and recognizing and acknowledging the positive aspects of life. It involves a genuine and heartfelt appreciation for the people, experiences, and/or things that contribute positively to one's well-being and existence. Gratitude goes beyond a mere acknowledgment of goodness; it involves a sense of humility, recognizing that others have played a role in one's happiness or success.

Christina Costa describes her experience of gratitude in an invaluable TED talk (How gratitude rewires your brain) and further showcases the psychological benefits and neurological changes that gratitude provokes in oneself - its definitely worth the watch. Regularly expressing gratitude has been correlated with heightened levels of happiness and life satisfaction, along with notable improvements in mental well-being, including reduced stress and depression. The positive impact isn't confined to the mind; gratitude has been associated with enhanced physical health, such as lower blood pressure and improved immune function. Furthermore, fostering a grateful mindset contributes to stronger interpersonal connections, as it cultivates appreciation and acknowledgment, thus fortifying relationships both personally and professionally. Gratitude plays a pivotal role in building resilience, enabling individuals to maintain an optimistic outlook even in challenging circumstances. This practice also promotes better emotional regulation and a positive self-image, contributing to increased self-esteem. By embracing gratitude, individuals often find themselves more empathetic, generous, and inclined to engage in acts of kindness. Additionally, gratitude practices have been linked to improved sleep quality, fostering a sense of peace and contentment that ultimately leads to greater life satisfaction.

It’s important to take into account that gratitude itself is an active choice and that it needs to be intentionally practiced. Your brain will be able to improve its efficiency the more it practices the process or activity - by practicing gratitude religiously, the activity will become easier and less of a challenge over time. Furthermore, your self talk and ideas you think of will become more gratitude focused and positive naturally over time - isn’t that powerful! You dont need to wait for a major life event such as cancer or parkinsons to make you practice this. You can make an active choice now to improve your life, well-being and mental health.

So what can I recommend on how to practice gratitude?

Gratitude affirmations

Gratitude affirmations are positive statements or declarations focused on expressing thanks and appreciation. They are a way to verbally acknowledge and reinforce positive aspects of life. Integrating gratitude affirmations into a daily routine, either by repeating them aloud or writing them down, can contribute to a more optimistic and appreciative outlook. Three ideas a day should do the trick!

Gratitude journalling

Gratitude journaling is a practice that involves regularly recording and reflecting on things in your life for which you are thankful and appreciative. Try writing and reflection on your daily activities and describe what you were grateful for that happened during your day. Remember, it doesn’t only have to be something that went well during the day but rather, a new perspective on the same situation - Christina’s talk explains this thoroughly.

Gratitude letters

Gratitude letters, also known as thank-you letters, are heartfelt expressions of appreciation and thanks that you write to someone who has had a positive impact on your life. These letters go beyond a simple "thank you" and often involve expressing specific details about why you are grateful for the person and how their actions or presence has made a difference for you.

So as we end off a beautiful 2023, I challenge you to complete one of the above ideas before the start of 2024. Take some time before the festive rush to practice gratitude and reflect on experiences positively this year. I hope that by doing this, you can set your intentions for a fantastic 2024.

The arrogance of trust

Trust is a tricky concept and a difficult idea to talk about as it’s importance differs to each individual. Is demands integrity - having strong moral principles. It demands loyalty - giving constant and unwavering support. It demands empathy - you are much more likely to trust someone who is compassionate towards you. These all seem like great qualities to aspire to have! Why would we not willingly give trust and build trust with each new person we meet if these are the qualities it describes? Surely our lives would be more fulfilled by having these qualities intertwined with each new relationship?

However, trust is also arrogant in its nature in that it has a sense of self importance. Its illogical - it’s demands you share it when meeting new people without question or judgement. It can leave you vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation. It leaves you wide open to those who have bad intentions or who want to take full advantage of your nature. It certainly makes you question the value of trust.

Have you ever walked into a new relationship, whether it be a friendship, romantic or other, with no expectations of the other person? You walk in unassumingly and fully trust the person - because they've given you no reason not to. You fully trust because there is an assumption that this person carries similar values to you and don’t have an intention of hurting you. I think most people will be able to relate to this and could give an example of someone you met and trusted off the bat - how that could have benefited you. I'm sure you could also talk about those same relationships and how a person you once trusted may have broken your trust - perhaps a partner cheated on you or a friend spoke behind your back. You could probably also tell me how it felt to have that trust broken and whether you were able to repair it or not. We all know what it’s like to have our trust broken. Which begs the question, how do we build or rebuild trust when we may have had our trust broken in the past?

There’s a beautiful TED talk that I recommend watching (Onora O'Neil - What we don’t understand about trust). She speaks about whether to trust or not to trust, and deciphering who or what is trustworthy. It’s an insightful and brief talk- definitely worth your time. If you have been following my blogs, you may see a pattern at this point- I find TED talks to be an invaluable enrichment activity in my day.

The question she poses is - do we want to be more trusting people? Is the aim to trust more? She hypothesises that this is likely not the most wise move forward. If you aimed to trust all your neighbours, you may run into a local hooligan which could end up getting you in a sticky situation. O'Neil rather emphasises that trust should be built on whether someone is trustworthy and deciphering who or what falls into that category is a core skill of navigating life.

So how do we benchmark trustworthiness:

Competence

How efficient is a person in a task and are they successful in its completion? This could be any task - are they willing and able to post a letter for you?

Reliability

Does the person follow through from what they say, to doing what they say they will - did they actually post the letter when they promised you?

Honesty

This is probably the most important one of the three. Is the person truthful and sincere - did they tell you they posted the letter and was it truthful that they did. You’ll know if your recipient never recieved the letter!

We can assess our relationships against the above three qualities when benchmarking trustworthiness - we can make an informed decision about whether someone is trustworthy and deserves a first or second chance before walking blindly forward with them. We can safeguard ourselves as well as be open minded in getting to know someone. We can give ourselves the power to make informed decisions and choose ourselves first.

Lastly, and I haven’t touched on this point yet, we can look at intention. I personally think this is an invaluable quality. Intention behind an action can tell you a lot about the quality of person you surround yourself with. Does the person intend to hurt you? Does the person intend to help you? People do make mistakes - after all, we are all only human. Is their aim to be trustworthy and earn your trust back once broken? If the answer is yes to all 4 components (intention, competence, reliability and honesty), then opening yourself up to rebuilding trust is the first step.

The rest is hard work, time and patience.

Imposter syndrome

Curse or Blessing?

What is imposter syndrome?

This is a feeling of anxiety and not belonging. Often, its made up of people not experiencing success internally despite often being a high performer or achiever. Its a feeling of not believing in oneself or that you deserve to be where you are, whether in relationships, work or other ventures. The word "imposter" encompasses it quite well - you feel out of place, incompetent or not intelligent enough for whatever endeavor you're applying yourself to. Worst of all, you feel as though someone may catch you out in the act and tell you that indeed, you are not worthy of the position you hold. Daunting and scary stuff!

How does it control us?

The overwhelming response to this is that it creates anxiety. With every decision comes overanalysing, overthinking every eventuality, doubt, worry about what move to make next as if one decision will impact the remainder of your life. Having said this, most people who suffer from imposter syndrome, don't let it deter them from the goal at hand. They will still apply for that job even if they think they won't get it, they'll still lead a team well even if they think the manager made a mistake putting them there.

I do wonder if those experiencing imposter syndrome hold a "timeline" if you will, in their mind about how fast one is supposed to progress through life milestones? Does having that timeline limit them in how much they push themselves? Or do we try to move past it and put ourselves in an uncomfortable mental space to still keep achieving them? I'm sure both could be true. I wonder if we put our own expected timelines on others? Do we judge others when they achieve less or more than what we "expect". These are things to question and challenge within oneself.

My own experience:

Throughout my life I have always strived for high achievement and been ambitious in the path I chose. I enjoyed reaching beyond what I thought I was capable of because it always came as a sense of suprise and then, pride. As a child, I was met mostly with praise which spurred me further. However, as an adult, I was always met with external judgement - "you're too young to apply for that course", "don't you think you need more experience applying for that role?", “don't you think you need more connections before starting that business venture?”. At the time, I took these on board, harshly so - was I too young or inexperienced? Did I need to give myself more time before pushing forward? Was I ready for a new challenge? Starting a new business now- Am I too young? Do I know what I'm doing? External judgement became internal doubt and overthinking each next step. Anxiety was at the core of every decision much to my dismay.

Is there a way to use it to our benefit?

Its important to know that almost 70 percent of people experience this to some degree either throughout their life or at some point within their life - Valerie Young explains this quite well in her YouTube video (Thinking your way out of imposter syndrome). Furthermore, this feeling often does not change and the syndrome could continue throughout your life, even with years of experience and knowledge under your belt. We certainly are not alone in the feeling and is there not strength in numbers? Is that not empowering?

How can we move forward?

The thing is, there's no correct path or certain amount of time you need to spend doing a role before you can pursue another. There is no right or wrong way to progress yourself or reach for the next goal. There is no set timeline or necessary experience needed for you to choose your path. And it's your life to live the way you choose, so is there much sense in worrying about external judgment?

There are loads of resources out there to combat the feeling, to challenge your emotions here and to allow you to make a breakthrough around how to overcome imposter syndrome itself. However, many explain that the feelings persist beyond this, that there is no direct solution. The feelings of self doubt, of feeling being out of place, of not belonging often will stick with you throughout your life.

Perhaps the answer is in acceptance of the situation, of yourself and of the circumstances. Perhaps true acceptance can bring clarity and alignment in your thoughts and feelings. In summary, accepting imposter syndrome is not about resigning yourself to self-doubt but rather recognizing it as a challenge as well as a strength. It opens the door to self-discovery, personal growth, and a more positive mindset.

The fear of failure

On a basic level, fear is an intense emotion triggered by a threat or danger stimulus. It kicks our "fight or flight" response into overdrive and makes us take action in the moment. In most contexts, fear will help you react to danger - such as a spider or fire. It makes your adrenaline pump up and respond quickly - squishing the spider or running away from the fire. Its a protection mechanism - developed over thousands of years to ensure you keep yourself safe. 

But what happens if there isn't a danger and yet you still have a fear response? What happens if your fear is linked to achievement or something inanimate? What do we do when our fear is with us all day every day? There are times when it’s appropriate and not so appropriate.

When I was 16,  I travelled to Germany on an exchange program. I was ecstatic - I loved and still do love the idea of travel. I loved the idea of a new culture. I loved the idea of being in a country with tons of history ( I was brought up by a history teacher so you can imagine where my passion may have stemmed from).  I remember lying in my bed on those first few nights, paralytically scared of trying anything new, after all, I was only 16 in a brand new country. Moreover, I was so scared that I was going to return home after 3 months having learned and experienced nothing. That fear, of not taking full advantage of the moment, put me into action and ensured I made the most of my time there. I was more afraid of losing out than I was of trying something new. This moment was the start of all my ambitious adventures- to make the most of any life journey and ensure I always try everything at least once- even if I was afraid to d

I watched a brilliant TED talk on danger vs fear- I highly recommend the watch (What I learned from going blind in space | Chris Hadfield). He explains (from my perspective) that there are certain situations where danger is inherent and a completely understandable and expected reaction is a "caveman response" ie fear. The example he used was a spider. Most people will have a spasm-like reaction walking through a spider web or seeing a spider. Its a perceived danger in which we become fearful. But when you look at the facts- that most venomous spiders likely wont be near you making their webs, it puts the logic into the scenario and leaves you feeling less fearful. What if we could apply this lesson to every scenario in our lives? What if every time we were presented with a fear response, whether appropriate or not, we used only logic? Would it be freeing? Would it be inhumane?  What if every time we were met with a fear or a challenge to overcome, we could systematically work through it to better ourselves. I'm a huge fan of this idea - that we can make changes to our inherent behaviours.  

How to challenge your fear: 

Prepare, challenge and reflect. 

Prepare yourself thoroughly - by building the "logic" pattern in your brain, you can train yourself to organise your thoughts when you have a fear response. It allows you to think through all scenarios, go in with an educated mind and talk yourself through the facts. Just like Chris in space, he had done hours of research into his profession. He had to train for years before he was even considered to be an astronaut and he knew everything there was to know before he even started his role. 

Challenge yourself directly - I call this exposure therapy in my practice. The more you expose yourself to a scenario, the more likely you are to be calm and work through the fear systematically. This is directly confronting the fear. You have the lifeline of logic as well as someone doing the activity with you. In Chris's case, he had trained for hours underwater and in virtual sims. He was out on a space walk with another astronaut and he had Houston in his ear - he had challenged himself. He practiced everything that could go right as well as everything that could go wrong and challenged his inate humane response.

Reflect on your experience. This is probably the most important element. You can prepare yourself and challenge yourself but if you don't learn from those experiences, there's only so much you can achieve with it. You can learn a new lesson from each challenge. You can also share these experiences so others learn from you - how powerful! It could be something simple like a journal reflection or something more formal like a presentation. Either way, by interrogating your experience and the learning you had from it, it could change your fundamental behaviour and fear response. 

So what's the overall message from this piece? 

Fear is what you make of it. 

You can let it control you. You can let it define your decisions. You can let it limit you - don't take the risk, don't start a new job career, don't create a passion filled life for yourself. 

Or, you can choose to prepare, challenge and reflect. You can choose to give yourself the permission to follow a dream, to chase a path for yourself and to live the life you want and created. If you wanted to start a new podcast - take the leap. If you wanted to start a new business or job roll- do it! There is nothing stopping you, except yourself. If fear is all that is limiting you, the sky is the limit.